and it's time i post something here publicly.
i've got a bunch of unpublished posts i've started over the past year. nothing seemed to stick, though. even the things i wrote and posted didn't feel right any more so i removed those.
so, what the deal is? what's the problem?
well, besides being not much of an adult when i came to pdx, i was ill-equipped to handle the simultaneous loss of my best friend and partner, let alone to appreciate the relationship as i was in it. i was and still am underdeveloped emotionally, and i was forcing everything. i found the idea of setting and enforcing my own boundaries so counter to being that it undermined my ability to respect anyone else's.
i'm just getting that footing established. i did some hard things in recent months and set my own boundaries with people who violated them consistently and made me feel crazy and to blame, like i didn't know what was real. so i have tried to do the right thing, and cut them out.
that hasn't been easy.
my lease ends at the end of the month and then i'm leaving for a place with a community for me. i can't heal any more here, not when every crow call and rainy day reminds me i don't have one here.