i visited phoenix recently for my mom's birthday. it was what i would describe as a "medium intensity" visit.
i got high, saw some old friends. wielded my masculinity like a scalpel, defusing a situation between a methhead and my mom. helped keep an eighteen year-old kid from hurting himself during a seizure with his small girlfriend - twice.
"medium" intensity. the new people in my life pointed out that that was not "medium," that was "intense." on some level I know that is true. on another i wish someone got it. it's been rare to meet someone who is as familiar with the constant state of emergency embedding itself into your flesh. of being so constantly anxious and aware that some shit is about to happen that the stress of it is stretched thin and it becomes your new normal... to the extent that you can't even recognize it as stress or anxiety any more. just a subterranean discomfort, constant and draining.
i've been compressing, like a spring, for months. a pregnant pause. i just need to find a catalyst to release this energy.