status update

status update

I am almost 30. I am unemployed. I still don't know much about who I am or what I want for myself. I am alone.

If I'm being honest though, my biggest problem right now is that I'm breaking out a lot.

In the past, I didn't really have those issues. I always wanted to be the person who could enable his friends make things, to fund creative endeavors, to help people. Back when I played Rupert, I called it Andazi Patronage. The thing I wanted to do with my life was help other people do the things they wanted to do with their lives.

Aw fuck who am I kidding magic is fake as shit.
Aw fuck who am I kidding magic is fake as shit.

That sort of job doesn't exist in this world, though. I can't just lend myself out to anyone and everyone all the time. I can't want people that don't want me. It's unhealthy of me to think my will is enough to make those sorts of things happen. I'm no use to anyone like that, least of all myself.

Part of the reason it's been hard for me to post anything here is that I'm afraid. The more I take steps to find the new me, the more I feel like the old me disappears. I want that to happen, but it still scares the shit out of me. What happens if the new me isn't better? What if it's true no one ever changes, that we only hear what we want to hear, that we really are as shitty as we tell ourselves we are at 4:46 AM and we have to be up at 7?

Am I really never going to stop breaking out?