coming home

coming home

after my dad died i had trouble knowing what direction to go.

even though he and i didn't get along and he was not a role model by any means, he served as some sort of placeholder for my idea of what a man should be.

i also grew up on procedurals. they're easy. they make sense. beginning, middle, end.

eventually i found characters, too. characters that i could relate to.

House spins his cane.

House.

I was asked recently whether House was a comfort show for me. i didn't know the answer, but i've been watching House again and it's scary to see how much this character has influenced me.

House shuts himself off. he's constantly of service to others but does everything he can to not have to answer to them. he insists on justifying his unhappiness so that he doesn't have to face the possibility that he could be responsible for it, or that he could fail himself. the only thing that matters to him is the gift that makes him useful. he protects it at all costs, because if he's not of use there is no reason he should be loved.

despite the efforts of the people around him, the people that do love him, he can't hear the life preservers they continue to throw him. he doesn't want to. he can't.

rewatching this from the perspective that House is wrong - that he's unhealthy and needs help - instead of a perspective of hero worship... should be interesting.