status update

I am almost 30. I am unemployed. I still don't know much about who I am or what I want for myself. I am alone.

If I'm being honest though, my biggest problem right now is that I'm breaking out a lot.

In the past, I didn't really have those issues. I always wanted to be the person who could enable his friends make things, to fund creative endeavors, to help people. Back when I played Rupert, I called it Andazi Patronage. The thing I wanted to do with my life was help other people do the things they wanted to do with their lives.

SBP - Revivescere

On October 6th, 2008 my inability to sleep drove me to take my laptop from my dorm room into the common area. I blogged a lot growing up - Xanga, MySpace, even some Facebook notes.

More often than not I wrote about loss. I have never seemed to be able to keep people in my life. Friends, family, significant others. I was tired of being unhappy and doing it so publicly. I felt like it was a burden to the people I loved, friends and family alike. So I registered the domain sixbillionproud.com and started a self-contained blog.

Classic Six Billion Proud: Fires Burn Out

So I love writing, and I love my guitar, and I’m trying to write this song, right? And I’m having trouble.  It’s about this:

I’ve made the mistake with almost evey girl I’ve gotten involved in. I’ve thought they were special. And that’s fine, I mean, I’m of the belief that if you don’t allow for that to be at least possibly true, you’ll miss the one that really is special. Ok, good, fine, whatever.

Classic Six Billion Proud: WAKE UP

It’s weird how sometimes, things that haven’t happened in a long time can just creep up and smack you in the face.

For instance, last weekend I was sitting around, doing nothing in particular, when I realized I hadn’t been hurt in a long time. Physically injured. It’s a weird thought. I just thought to myself, “Well, either I lead a very sedentary life style, or I’m invincible.” I went with the invincible one.

Classic Six Billion Proud: CATALYST

What makes us unique?

See I’ve been of the opinion lately that so many of us are so driven to be different, to be unique or special, that we end up being nothing, that the stress of it all grinds us down until there’s nothing left but a mindlessness.

I feel that way a lot these days, mindless. As if I’m stumbling through life just to get through it, as if the challenge isn’t in life but somewhere else. It’s not.